October182011
30 Days Til I Get Over You-DAY 1
It would have been more appropriate to have done this for Lent, but you decided to cut my line yesterday so I guess my 30 day detox from you begins today. Sadly you were my “almost lover” who had taken my heart that I had given so freely with a vulnerability which you never really appreciated and decided to rip into pieces, throwing it straight into the heartbreak city waste and disposal center.
We’ll call my “almost lover” The Cowboy. So my best friend/sister (a Doctor of Psychology) “Dr. G” has advised me that I have my choices laid out for me, and it is only me who can enable things to my happiness. Taking everything in, it starts today….
Recap of DAY 1:
4am-Laying in bed, still awake, my body recovering from the alcoholic cocktails, my eyes raining tears, and my mind just runs through every flaw and painful thought as to how you can just be a heartbreaking DOUCHE! Clearly if I could pick a song for this moment it would be Adele “Rolling in the Deep…” F@(*$(#&(@*#(&#(@&(@&)@&@)(*@&()@&#)&#)&@#*&#*^$* YOU is what I want to scream in this silent crack of dawn.
8am-Somehow I’m able to lullaby my tears and fall asleep only to be awaken by my phone ringing (it’s my sister Dr. G) who I end up not just crying but wailing in sobs with a pain in my chest which feels like my heart is literally breaking (maybe this is why they invented Xanax) like a good sister and best friend she patiently stays with me on the phone and soothes me to stop crying and she reminds me that I have to be at work in like an hour, so it’s best that I pull my shit together and put on the happy face…F*$% my life!
930am-530pm-Work is necessary…someone once told me when your personal life goes down the drain, it means it’s time for a raise or a bonus at work. At work my fabulous gay guy friend D helps me by coming up with a plan/cure that involves me being scandalous, drinking a lot of alcohol, and going out every week. He ensures me this plan will help me realize that there are many fishes in the sea that would want to be with a catch like me. The rest of the gals at work have joined D’s army to help my heartache (we’ll see how well this plan goes)
NOW-My heart hurts, is it possible to die of heartache because that’s how I feel. Alone in my cozy apartment I try to occupy my time as a couch potato, where the hell did my pride and backbone go?! I can’t even eat or sleep, I’m in a daze so lost that I can’t seem to get myself grounded with at least one foot on the ground. Emotional debris comes included in the Heart Break Package (you’ll be glad it doesn’t come with razor blades), so I’m trying to except this process even though I’m crying a river of tears along the way.
I’ve survived Day 1 so far, it amazes me that we can feel and attach ourselves to people who we believe we can love. However, we risk never getting that love reciprocated and I’ve taken that risk. Honestly, the fact that I don’t know what will happen freaks me out but I’m gonna surrender and allow myself to feel every emotion. We’ll see if D’s plan/cure unfolds or if some miraculous event The Cowboy actually comes back and reciprocate his love to me. For now I have to take it by day and we’ll see where this goes…
Tags: /love /heartache /tears /small rant /detox
