November102009
Change.
Change;
A tiny shift in our day that when fueled with the right circumstance turns into our monster.
I’ve honestly never really considered myself a changed person, In fact up until a month ago, if you were to ask me the difference between the person I was when I met him and the person I am now, I’d of probably answered along the lines of something short and sweet that made everything that happened in the past year sound like more of molehill then the mountain it was. I’d of brushed it off with a grain of salt just believing that the changes that came with him and me were simply the road to happily ever after and just a fact of life. I never really noticed the difference between the person I use to be and the person I was becoming. Sure, when he’d yell, I’d fall apart, but isn’t that what any person in love would do? I mean when it comes to love, don’t you just have to leave the past behind and focus on the future? That’s the picture that everything in my childhood and teenage years had painted. True love always goes the distance, true love is all you need… I never realized that true love in it’s purest of forms could also prove to be the one thing that could become your undoing.
When I was 17 years old I met him, and to me, he was perfect.
Im sure that sounds cliché but in that moment, in those brief seconds where our eyes met, I knew he was the one. Our relationship came with it’s hardships, there was factor apon factor that seemed to keep us apart in one way or another, but still we knew, we always knew we’d be together, It was meant to be, it just had to be. The simplest way to explain it would be to say that he was my other half, it was like we had a bond so deep and so spiritual that we knew every inch of the other before we even met. It was an instant bond, a clash of two souls so deeply wounded but so perfectly made for one another, so much so all you could do was believe it was fate. In so many way’s we saved each other, we brought out a hope in each other and a hope for our futures, one that we had to believe in, because without it we’d simply in the emotional sense be dead. He was the boy that with all my heart I loved, the boy I’d go to any lengths for, take any pain for, the boy who ultimately I’d lose myself for.
It started slowly, the change. A look here and there, a small comment about how he was unhappy; all he’d have to do is tell me there was an issue and I’d do anything and everything in my power to make the change. From the small comments came the fights, the words of anger passed from frustration and confusion, “why cant you be like other girls” small sentences that in my heart would stir deeply causing me to question the worth in the person I was. But still all those things I could handle. I could handle him being upset from time to time, after all It was probably my fault anyway, if I could just show him how much better I could be, how much I could love him then he’d see that I was worth it. Then came the hate. “I hate you” “Your a bitch” “I wish I never met you” words that took my breath away in the worst way, taking me to a place so deeply disturbing I began to question why he even loved me in the first place. Clearly I’d in some way hurt him, I’d done something wrong, I’d made an error somewhere and caused him pain. He was perfect, how could I hurt him that way. I never knew what i’d done, I never understood why he couldn’t see how much I loved him, but still I’d apologize each time, begging and pleading with him to see that I could be better. Each night he’d take me in his arms, he’d tell me he loved me and that he was sorry for saying the things he did, and I’d believe him, because if you could see the troubled look in his deep brown eyes, you would too. Some nights were worse then others. He’d tell me I made him not want to be alive, that I was the reason he was sick, that I was the reason he was depressed, and even though for his sake I’d brush it off and say I forgave him, the words and the scars never faded. I truly never realized what was happening, I never realized what I’d become until it was to late.
I’d see my friends and their boyfriends, I’d hear about their fight and arguements, but never once were the scale of the words he used against me brought up. It was like for them the worst thing that could be said was a harsh word here and there, words that would hurt at the time but after a grovelling session from their partners would be forgotten. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Even my bestfriends became strangers to the emotions inside, I began holding everything inside of me back, not opening up for even the closest of people. My own family became outsiders, my life as I knew it just became a blur of time passing by between the time I saw him and the time he got mad. I began to dread it. I began to dread seeing him, so scared that his mood would be bitter and that I’d say something wrong, something that caused him to blow up, and usually it did. It wasn’t until one Wednesday night that I really realized what was going on. I’d always looked at abusive relationships as being a physical thing, not once did I stop to think that what he was doing was unjustifiable. I knew in my heart it was wrong and unfair, but that was life, life was unfair and sometimes you just had to stick with things and work with them until they got better, I loved him. I truly loved him, and nothing he said would stop that love from shining through.
That Wednesday night I heard my friend crying about how her boyfriend said he hated her. As I watched her break down the only thing I could really think was that they were the words I heard every few nights like clockwork. That night I went home and looked in the mirror, and for the first time I didn’t recognise the person looking back at me. I broke down, losing every single defence I’d ever held up, losing every single shade of composure that i’d held onto so tightly for the sake of everyone else around me, that night I truly realized that the boy who had been my destiny, has also been the one person to pull me undone.
But that’s what love is. It’s meeting someone who has the power to break you, and putting your heart in their hands. It’s taking the chance to fall head first in to the unknown and trusting that they’ll be there to catch you. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you find your match, and other times you just got to get back up and use the fall to find yourself. Either way, Its a choice. A choice to believe that in every situation no matter how hard theirs a silver lining. I found mine.
