July292011
Never Let Go
I can’t be alone with my thoughts, I don’t want to be. There’s just too much going on in my head and the thought of having to face my mess, to confront it? I just can’t bear it.
The years of repressed anger and depression has turned into resentment and its weighing down on me like a tonne of steel. When I ignore this part of me the weight doesn’t disappear but it becomes bearable, like a sore muscle. Rather, it’s when I think about all the things that have happened, all that could have happened, that’s when the steel scalds me as though it’s been immersed in lava for the longest time.
Could Have, that’s the worse kind of regret. Its up there right next to What If.
They say anger is like carrying a backpack full of rocks, one rock for every time you hold a grudge. I suppose there is some truth to that, but they forget that those rocks are a part of you, your life and experiences. They are fragments of your existence. Sure, taking those rocks out of the backpack would make the load lighter, but sometimes it becomes so light that you forget altogether who you are and what made you this way.
Then again, resentment changes a person into something grostesque. There are days when I want nothing more than to let go of all the hatred inside of me, to forget everything, but I can’t. Not if letting go means forgetting certain people and erasing certain memories. No, I will not let go, I refuse.
I will come to terms with things one day, but I don’t ever, ever, want to forget.
Tags: /Alexis
